Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Randomize
