and you said cock pushups were impossible
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
