and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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