Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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