i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
