I'd wear matching sweaters with you
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
