Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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