he wants to bone in the snuggie
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize