I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Randomize
