I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
