You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
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