Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Alive.
So much puke
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Randomize
