I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
