When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
Randomize
