if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Randomize
