I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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