glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
