Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
