Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
P.S. I can't hear my feet
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
