loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
