I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
