I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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