Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
