if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Randomize
