why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
