What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
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