The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Randomize