I wish I had my old roomstes number so I could send him pictures from lastnight... I had a blast banging his "true love" now that I think about it we're even don't worry about that gas bill you didn't pay. Ur girl worked it off!
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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