I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
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