The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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