i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Randomize
