There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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