She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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