Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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