Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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