Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
Braces and a neon one piece. She looks 15.
i'm in love
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
