Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Go christen that room with your naked body.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
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