More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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