how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
