he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
