I wannas sexs uuuuu
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I'm getting married
To pizza
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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