just tell him i said nine months
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have aggressive nipples.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
