I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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