Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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