he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
