If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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