omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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