are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
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