Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
