After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
