Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
