I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize