apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I had to steal sneakers from my man of the night. I dipped. But then realized I left my purse in his house. So I had to stash the shoes in some bushes and wait for him on the stoop. Then after he watches me leave, I run back and get the shoes cuz I didn't wanna be taking my hour long journey home through London at 3 pm in my six inch wedges and club dress
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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