I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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